Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
