That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I want to fling myself into the sun
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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