me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
