if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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