Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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