You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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