I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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