awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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