There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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