I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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