i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
