Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
