i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
