Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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