I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
