Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
