I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I met the friendliest cop last night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
