Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
