we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
