she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
