the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Randomize
