it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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