oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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