First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
