I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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