It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
