My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
