ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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