In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
