woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
