Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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