The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
