from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
