bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
