my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i wish my penis had a tongue
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
