if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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