Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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