I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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