Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
