I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Shame - the story of my life.
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