dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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