You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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