I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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