FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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