"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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