My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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