We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
