She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
