literally had 100 drinks last night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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