hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
