Non-Jews are for practice
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
