I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
