the condom got lost in my hair
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have feelings that need drinking.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
