You just made me feel so damn special
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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