i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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