i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
