I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
