Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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